Monday, July 7, 2014

Riding the Roller Coaster

It's been a long time since I've posted anything and the reason for that, simply put, is that it has been nearly impossible to put what I've been thinking and feeling into words.  Each day I wake up grateful to be alive but with a twinge of regret that the life I have is not the one that I planned.  That twinge has kept me stuck in a state of melancholy that ended up being extremely difficult to shake off.  The year continued with days of significance and other milestones passing by and I tried to deal with each of them with grace.  I tried my best to enjoy my first year of marriage, Mikey's first year of life and try to find the positive in the fact that Dylan's stay in a hospital and away from me was quickly approaching 700 days (long sigh).  You see, I'd been able to survive the tragedy of Dylan's accident by finding the silver lining and that strategy had worked for a while.  But for the last 9 months, I just couldn't see it anymore.  And that made me very angry.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Missing You

Hi Dylan!!!

It's after 1am and I'm missing you like crazy!!! It's been hard for me to go to sleep at night lately; mostly because a year has just past since you've been hospitalized. So much has changed since then and then so much hasn't.

You're still in the hospital and I'm still trying to make sense of this new life we have. I don't think that will ever change. I'll be 92 years old and still wonder why your asthma attack was so different that night and why everything else that happened after that went down the way it did. The saying (or belief) that God has a plan provides me with no comfort. It leaves me empty and questioning what my future is. I know that sounds so selfish, but it's true. With your birth, my life was defined, had purpose. I felt like I was finally living with you. Your every achievement filled me with enough joy to fill up 10,000 football stadiums. You were my greatest accomplishment. You still are, my love, don't get me wrong. But the promising future I envisioned for you is nothing more than a pipe dream now.