Jan 5, 2010

A Lesson from Heartache

Day one of my journey and I looked heartache in the face, listened to it rationalize, and accepted its rejection of me all the while acknowledging my faults. So maybe rejection is too strong a word since, to be honest, I'm not ready to be accepted. As one of my friends text to me over the weekend, "Straight up. You're not ready yet for him or anyone else.  Keep becoming the Dyan you're meant to be. I swear you're close to it." She's right and I know it but I still ended up feeling the way I felt. Still fell in love with him and the possibilities of a new beginning with a person that gets me, that reminded me of who I was. A person that let me know that I could be and deserved to be me again.

This heartache was a good thing for me, however, and I'm already learning from it.  I know now that one of my biggest challenges will be to fight my addiction to falling and being in love. The first moments you're with someone and they make your heart flutter, make you believe in your dreams, make you want to just be with them, those feelings are...simply lovely.  I love feeling that way, love the newness of everything, love the simplicity of it.  Falling in love makes you feel large, huge.  Being in love makes you feel gargantuan.  Your ego is boosted because you feel like you're the most important person to another human being which is no easy feat.  And ego can be and usually is a large driving force it what makes up your personality so it will motivate you.

Because of where I am mentally and emotionally, this is a very dangerous feeling.  It can be - and was in this instance - misleading.  My feelings are genuine, however, my motivation behind them (the ultimate source of them) were not true to love.  I was eager to feel this way again because of the lack of love I've felt for several years now.  I was happy to feel this way again to use it as justification of my decision to leave a person I'd spent the past 15 years of my life with.  I needed to feel this way again to help me to get to know an old part of me, to remind me of feelings that had been buried deep inside me.  So this heartache, at the end, was a necessary part of my journey.

So tonight as I went home, I wasn't depressed, sad or angry.  I was relieved.  It was good to look at this experience objectively and consciously and to begin to grow from it immediately.  This person will remain in my life and I am looking forward to experiencing the next phase of the relationship we have.  It's exciting because I've never truly been involved in a relationship consciously.  I've always let me emotions dictate everything.  These are uncharted waters and I don't really have a compass because I'm not sure where I'm going.  That is the next step then, I guess.  To find out where I'm going.

I'm smiling at the possibilities and it's not like before where I had visions of this 'perfect' ending.  I don't know if I'll "get the guy" but I do know that I'll learn from this every step of the way and come out of it a better and stronger person, a better and stronger woman.  And that's something that I can teach my daughter which makes me warm inside, kind of like that feeling of being in love. :)  Wow!  Growing up is feeling really good right now!!

Make it a great day folks!  Look your heartache in the eye, listen to it rationalize why it's not giving you what you want and then make the decision to grow from that rejection.  It's probably the best thing for you.  It definitely was for me!




  2. I remember. I don't want to say too much, but I remember. It was loves betrayal that lead you to that 15 year relationship. When you met your long-time companion it was shortly after a painful heartbreak in which you went against your moms wishes and dated that American from the hood. In so many ways back then, you were the most adult of all of us-the first to have a real (good) job, apartment, etc. And though we had all experienced heartbreak, we may not have had the maturity to help you with what you experienced with that American dude . Perhaps because of that you gravitated to your long time companion instead of healing yourself because you had no one to support you. We were all there for you, but we're Applez, we didn't know shit, we could barely make it out to Jones Beach without drama & scandal. So I understand why you went off with him. But do you understand you used a new love to get over an old love and that you attempted to do it again? You never needed a safety net to leave him. Why would you need a safety net when you are the safety net for him. I'm quite sure if it wasn't for you, dude wouldn't even be alive.

    Surprisingly, I don't think the don gogan was all that foul. And its because I feel that even though there is long lasting love and affection between you and the don, you kinda tried to use him to extract yourself from your current situation. You're better than that and so is the don! You are a survivor, financially independent and you don't need to leave one man's arms to enter another. Enjoy life! Enjoy Dylan! Enjoy Dyan! and please, enjoy us!