I'm newly single after calling it quits with the father of my soon to be four year old daughter after being with him for 15 years. Gaining my independence from him is paramount to me moving on but has been difficult to achieve for several reasons that I won't get into here. Since the breakup in June the word independence has been used by me as motivation to move on. Over and over again, I've thought that I've been focused on my independence in thought, word and action. I realized after examining my life over the Christmas and New Year holiday that I've been using it incorrectly. I had no idea of it's meaning and because of that, have been living falsely for several months. I realize now that I've been living a relative life of independence whereas what I need in my life is a true one.
After being with someone for as long as I've been, you lose part of yourself. I think that is a somewhat natural part of any relationship particularly an intimate one, however, in my case it became unhealthy. Trying to rediscover myself has been an exciting and truly interesting journey full of making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. But it was also a journey full of facing demons of my past: my old bad habits, faults that I'd never truly addressed, requests for forgiveness that were long overdue. What I didn't realize was that until all these things were and are addressed, I can never have TRUE independence. I am still vulnerable to making the wrong decisions, to allowing the thoughts of others to guide me, to not seeing things for what they truly are and to continually deny who I truly was.
independence (noun): freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.
You cannot be free from someone controlling or influencing you until you know yourself. Part of knowing yourself is knowing your wants, your desires, what your dreams and goals are; knowing what your boundaries, your boiling points, and where your lines are drawn in the sand. I've had a hard time nailing these things down - deciding on what each is and, therefore, nailing down who I truly am. I've changed my mind about what I stand for over the past few months and have made bad choices because of it. These choices have cost me time and heartache, the former just regretfully irreplaceable and the latter something that I've been trying to avoid like the plague.
I am now focused on defining who Dyan is. I know I'm a parent but I now strive to be a better one. I know that I am a woman, but I now strive to be a strong one. I know that I am a thinker but strive to be a conscious one. I know that I am a lover of life but I now strive to have a life full of positive love. I don't make promises often but am promising myself to be true to me regardless of the decisions this truth will lead me to. I promise to look fear straight in the eye, laugh at it and keep it moving. I promise to live a life free from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.
I'll have hiccups along the way, I acknowledge this, but am ready for the challenge. I'm now in a competition with myself, the old and new Dyan, and wholeheartedly expect the new me to win. I'm no fool, I know that I cannot do this alone, however, all decisions will come from a place within me that longs to be realized. A place that I have ignored for far too long and can no longer remain hidden. For those of you that will walk next to me on this journey, I thank you in advance.
In 2010 I will begin to lay the true groundwork toward my transition to independence. I'm excited for the journey and look forward to keeping you up to date on my progress.