I'm in the throws of transition. And it's left me feeling unsettled because I no longer know the luxury of having a slight idea of what each day will bring. This leaves me, a true creature of habit, feeling a bit unsure about everything. I question myself constantly about my decisions and choices while wondering why I'm doing it, and this has caused me to somewhat unknowingly create a small cloud of self doubt that has been following me for about a week now. Well, as much as I hate to admit it or give him credit for anything, my daughter's father actually put a stop to this insanity with a few words. Without going into detail, I'll tell you that this week has been a trying one and this young year one full of a bit more drama than I care to have in my life. As you've read in my previous posts, I've been on a personal quest for true independence and the biggest step to making that happen would be to move out. So I've decided to give myself a drop dead move out date of April 1st regardless of the obstacles I was faced with. I've had a few setbacks, or rather, disappointments that forced me to either rethink or revamp the plan I had while attempting to keep up the same level of intensity toward making change that I'd felt immediately after the new year. Perhaps, I mused to myself at one point last week, I should fall in love and have my heart broken again! I seemed to be so energized after all that! But seriously, I'd felt a lag in my progress, felt the darkness of doubt beginning to surround me and wasn't sure how to stop myself from continuing to slide downward. But I've digressed because I haven't told you what broke the cycle, what snapped me out of it.
So I'm living in between places right now until I can situate things in my apartment to a place that makes it a livable and peaceful space for my daughter and I, and her father is doing all that he can to make me a stronger and better person, woman and mother almost everyday. Monday, one of my most trying days this year, I grew up a little bit and took ownership of my destiny. I looked my fear of making a hard decision in the face and laughed at it. I did what was best for my daughter and I, even though it will be uncomfortable for a while, force me to do a lot of unnecessary work, have a lot of people "all up in my business", and have me and my daughter tired as hell and in need of a great vacation. At the end of it though, we'll both be in a better place, so it's all worth it.
Uncomfortable with my reaction to his action, he said to me with all his conviction, "Just remember, Dyan, this road we're on, you put us on it. Not me, you." I had already ceased responding to him when he said this so didn't say it to him but was thinking, 'No I didn't! YOU did this you blah, blah blah!' I was ready to start playing the blame game again and not really look at the situation or my actions consciously. As I left the apartment and was able to begin rethinking what had transpired, I began to realize that he'd never spoke the truth more plainly as he had that morning. At that moment, God had used my daughter's father to speak to me and send me the message I needed to hear: You are the master and controller of your destiny. You are responsible for what happens to and for you. And if you own it, if you truly believe and own that fact, the possibilities are endless.
I'm glad that my heart and mind were open enough to hear and take heed to the message, especially considering the source from which it came. But if nothing else, I'm a believer that God has a sense of humor so shouldn't be surprised that my reminder came from the last person on Earth that I would expect or want to hear it from. That part of the blessing also reminded me to continue to look for His constant signs, messages and support in everything. To not overlook something, discount or discard it because of who, what or where it is coming from. He truly does work in mysterious ways!
So I've regained my strength for this next leg of my journey and am, surprisingly, looking forward to it. While thinking through things, I'd always planned that February would be the month of big changes and it started as scheduled, although I was unprepared. So I guess my next lesson is be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it (and it doesn't come with a warning)! Thirty-three days into 2010 and I'm firmly on my path. It's a bit of a bear, but I'm an animal lover (smile)! And even though when it started I felt lost, alone and isolated, I've realized since then that I have really great friends who have lots of great advice and who support me. They don't judge, but they call me out on my faults that will stop, slow down or hinder me from my ultimate goal. I appreciate them. But more than anything, I appreciate my daughter's father and all the other naysayers, haters and obstacles that I already have and still have yet to face. I appreciate their assistance in helping me grow up and grow strong. Dealing with them is unpleasant, but if you look back at each of these situations in your own lives without emotion and full of conscious thought you'll realize as I did that they made you better, stronger, faster... I'm the Six Million Dollar Woman and receiving daily updates so please, bring the hate on! I'm eating beef at least twice a week, am taking my vitamins, have my repair crew on speed dial and am ready for battle!
Now, if only I could get some sleep! :) My next objective, I guess!! Until next time my readers, and promise it won't be such a long wait!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T