May 27, 2010

The fact it's Memorial Day weekend has me reminiscing. I'm remembering a time when I was weak, in a continuous cycle of despair, when I sold and bought the role of victim, when I had no confidence and no clear path to the future I envisioned for myself.

So much has changed since January 1st! I'm no longer a victim. I'm strong, full of confidence and walk the path to my significant and successful future with steady steps. Things are progressing nicely even if I still have a couple more hurdles to tackle before I can relax a bit. I feel good.

I start a new job this week, have a raise to go along with it and envision a full time job with benefits before summer's end. I also look forward to the end of family court and may even - with God's grace - have a settlement before the next court date in July. And what's so great about all the optimism I feel about the custody battle is that if I do indeed have to go back to court, I'm ready to take it head on with the peace of mind that I've done all that I needed in the best interests of our daughter.

I look forward to having health insurance coverage for our daughter and for me becoming more at ease with the current state of her asthma. While I hesitate to use the word chronic to describe it (it hurts too much!), it's the worse it's ever been and requires daily monitoring and maintenance. She's a trooper though, has the fight and determination of her parents, and is less affected than I am by the weekly battles. Her doctor has given me both the confidence and slight scolding I needed to realize that I'm doing everything right (she hasn't been admitted to the hospital this year despite all the snow) but that I also need to remember that her asthma has changed and for now and this is what it is and will be. I hold steady now and go through my daily motions of nurse while ensuring she has a full life that is not limited by the disease.

Now for love...my biggest hurdle. I harbor no ill feelings for my daughter's father. I am disappointed that we were unable to mend our relationship but no longer see that as a failure but as a growing experience. Our love was a strong and deep one and I hope to one day regain the friendship we once shared. I still have hopes of co-parenting regardless of the current nastiness of the court battle. I know that we are the only ones that can make that happen and will not give up hope or efforts toward peace between us.

I've realized how much I miss my best friend. We allowed lust to get in the way of a really good friendship and, unfortunately, it's lost. I hope to salvage it, but don't know what it can be, if anything, and have doubts it can ever be what it was. I love him, can't deny that, but realized too late it was a love that could've and should've been expressed without sex. Yet another growing experience but I do regret having to learn about it while losing someone dear to me. I still look forward to having him in my life but recognize that it might limited. That's a tough one to swallow and I'm still struggling with it.

And I'm in a meaningful relationship with a great man albeit a complicated situation. We're not able to be together physically - he's in another state - but it's for the best because we spend our days now getting to know each other and deepening the bond that's grown between us. It's the closest thing to something great that I've had and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. It's a great feeling to have a relationship to nurture and watch blossom.

And I'm dating a bit! Wow!! It's a complicated game: to text or not to text, when should I offer to pick up the check (or should I ever do that?), should I call first, remember to give him your number, blah, blah, blah. Right now I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm happy to be independent most importantly but I'm also not in a place emotionally or financially where I feel that I should be opening those kinds of doors to another individual. "One big step at a time", is my mantra right now. So I'm enjoying the companionship, conversation and feeling desired and respected in the meantime. More than anything, I'm enjoying life after years of forgetting what that felt like.

So....to sum it all up, I remember me. I remember this passionate human being who happens to be a Black woman and who loves living life. It's good to be back among the living and to be living - really, truly LIVING - life!! Take this weekend to remember our veterans and those protecting our way of living around the world (regardless of your politics). But also take time to reflect on who you are. Be sure you're living life to the fullest with as little regret as possible. Be sure you're making your dreams come true everyday by tackling the hard shit and (still) going for yours. Remember what it means to live, to really, truly live!

One!
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