Sep 14, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

It's September, the fourth quarter of 2010, and I just celebrated the Labor Day weekend by doing nothing but resting up and relaxing. I had a big week ahead of me at work that week and was trying to map it all out in my mind in an attempt to minimize the stress and get ahead by getting a good night's sleep - at least a couple of night's. I wasn't successful, however. I was restless with guilt over the lack of time I would have and spent with my daughter. It was inevitable with all I have on my plate at work currently and while I was confident I would rise to the challenge and knock shit out, I was also conscious that my daughter is trying to be brave as she deals with the fact that her father has not been around for the past month. She needs me a lot right now.

So my thoughts were and still are focused on how I help her through this. What can I do to effectively minimize her pain? How do I address her questions about her father? My phone calls, texts and emails have gone unanswered and I'm at a point of deciding whether I try dropping by in person in the attempt of having a conversation with him where the end result is that I understand what his intentions and plans are regarding being involved in her life. At the end of the day, I just want her to have her father in her life, but I also have to confirm that is the best thing for her. And it breaks my heart to even have to consider that it might not be because I also have the responsibility of ensuring her environment is full of the people and things that are positive and within her best interests. So as much as I hate to do it, I'm now wondering if having a father who only wants to be around some of the time healthy for her. Do I wait until she can make the decision on her own and watch her endure the uncertainty for the next few or several years? And if I do, how is that affecting her development? Will she suffer in school? Will she begin to mistrust people? Will she feel unwanted? And, yes, will she resent me for not staying with him?

My daughter is compassionate, caring and extremely loving and she absolutely adores her father. She's a total daddy's girl and that's why his recent decision to not be involved is confusing to me because I can't imagine doing the same thing. To not have her in my life simply can't happen, it's impossible. She is my center and core and I cannot envision a future without her. Whenever I'm having a rough moment, whenever I doubt what I'm doing, I just look at the screensaver I have of her smiling face and a sense of peace consumes my entire being. She completes me.

I'm even more perplexed by her father's recent decision mostly because I know he feels the same way I do. He loves her and I'm assuming that the life changes he's currently going through are altering his judgement. To me, that's the only thing that makes sense because I remember how he looked when they were rushing me in for an emergency C-section due to the almost nonexistent heart rate she had with each contraction. I remember how excited he sounded on the phone when he called me at work to tell me she took her first step and then again when she said her first word. And I remember his distress when we found out the hard way - by an anaphylactic attack - that she was allergic to milk and eggs. In those instances, his first concern was on not causing her harm. So I'm only left with thoughts and an opinion that whatever he's currently going through in life has led him to believe he should not be involved.

I can go on and on about why I think he's backed out but it would do nothing to change the situation. My opinion is irrelevant in this situation. All that matters is my daughter's well being. So I continue to work on providing stability to her which will naturally lead to building her self-confidence. But I remain torn on how to move forward with her relationship with her dad. And believe it or not, as much as we've gone through, I wonder if there is something I could or should be doing to help him. But I won't because I fear any assistance would be misconstrued as me wanting to reconcile. I just fear the worst for him and know that if he does slip, that any chance of a great relationship continuing will be lost.

I continue to pray for him, for my daughter and myself everyday. More than ever, we need the strength and determination to move forward and create a positive future for ourselves. Come follow us on our journey.

One!
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