My thoughts and opinions on parenting, relationships and the stuff that makes up our minds, bodies and souls. Based in Brooklyn, NY.
Jan 30, 2011
2011 has not started the way I intended. Although a new start at a new job has taken place - yes, I have a permanent job! - I'd lost momentum. Besides not updating this blog, things with ChuggyBear Entertainment had just about come to a stand still. I was fighting cabin fever and a blue spell that had turned into the beginnings of depression and I couldn't see the end to either of them. I was out of sorts and stuck in a rut. What to do?
Well in January, besides worrying, training my replacement and worrying some more, I did come across my first sign that things were changing for the better. I came across a part-time opening at the same company I was working for but in a different department. I reached out to the recruiter, who I knew, and interviewed the week of Jan 31st. I accepted the job on Feb 14th and am waiting to receive my offer letter and complete the onboarding process (background check, etc.). I hope to be on payroll in the next week or so. Having to go through the process of interviewing forced me to pull my head out of the sand, but because there was gap between interviewing and being offered the job, I used it as an excuse to slip back into the bad habit of sitting around the house brooding.
With my spirits lifted and my thoughts diverted to looking toward the future, I started to wonder what the hell was bugging me? I know that I'd felt like a failure having to move the inaugural event for ChuggyBear to the spring with the way December had turned out, but there was something else wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it. My heart and soul was full of thoughts and inclinations on what I wanted to do and get done but I was in a state of inaction, feeling that I lacked the energy to get anything done. Determined to make some use of my time, I brainstormed and filled notebooks with my thoughts and ideas. But old bad habits had resurfaced: an attitude of nonchalance, not eating healthy and only participating in activities that were of no benefit to my goals. No surprise but painful nonetheless, business opportunities were lost and I found myself in situations that had me questioning myself.
I revisited my older posts and was inspired by my words and also reminded of my faults and how I'd gotten to a place of inaction. My focus was gone, my spark had dimmed and I was, to be quite frank, living a lie. I was good at making it seem that all was good and that I was okay with what was going on but I wasn't. I wasn't sleeping well, my thoughts were not positive and I'd lost faith in myself. It was time for a kick in the ass and I got one last week. After getting an earful from someone's whose opinion I hold close and dear, I was forced to take a look at myself and what I'd been doing and not. I needed to get back to the basics. It was about me, yes, but it was always in all ways about my daughter. And I'd forgotten that along the way.
Yes, I am a business owner, and yes, I am a single woman but I am a mother first. Now don't misread and misinterpret this declaration to mean that I was slacking on my parenting, that was not the case. However, because my central focus had strayed from that fact, from acknowledging that part of me when doing things and making decisions, I was lost. I was lost in the world wondering who I was, what to do next, what was right for me. And all the while, God was sending me signs to lead me back home but I was ignoring them. After all, the week before my last day at my 9-to-5, I find an opening for part-time job at the same company? What are the odds? Could the timing have been any more perfect? It was, after all, exactly what I had been hoping to find.
Normally with these posts, I tell you about the silver lining that I've found in each of my obstacles. I write about how I was able to surpass what seemed to be insurmountable at the time and to move on and become a better person because of it. For the first time in years, however, I didn't have that perspective. I was lost in the thorn bushes and really didn't know how to get back to the light. It took me a while to remember that I was lost because I'd forgotten to look for the light. I'd forgotten to listen to my heart, to act based on those thoughts and not the fear that filled my head. I'd forgotten that things were not "happening to me", that I had made it all happen and that meant I had control over the situation. So whatever happened was on me...if I failed, it was my fault.....ALL my fault.
With that realization, the natural competitor awakened and started to assert herself. I changed my perspective and took accountability for all that had not happened in December & January. I pushed off the February event because I was scared. I felt that it was too much to take on with my daughter's health where it was and in a sense, it was the right decision, but I wonder what opportunities I'll never realize because I gave up so easily. How strong would I have been if I'd still pulled off the event and managed to find out how to stabilize my daughter's asthma? I'll never know but I have been reminded - yet again - that fear is nothing but an enemy. Well, I'm tired of letting my enemy win. So no more excuses because I had no time for it. The time to make things happen was now, so I had to get right to it!
Lucky for me, this week is mid-winter break and I get a ton of time to spend with my daughter. It's also a great way to get back into action and living my life - my true life. I've laid out a great proposed schedule - the up and down weather has her asthma acting up a bit so that dictates our movements - and am looking forward to tons of Mommy & Me time together. I'll also utilize my underused Cool Culture card at the museums in NYC and catch some cool events I spied in Time Out NY Kids. I'm a true believer in everything happening for a reason and this time off is perfectly timed. I'm a rejuvenated mommy and ready to take on the world!!!
Now I still don't have all the answers and I'm still a bit in the dark. I'm haunted by my desire to have a significant other in my life, I'm still digging out of my financial hole and I still feel as if I don't have enough time to do everything. But my perspective has changed. I'm admitting that I'm scared and that I have a ton of work to do. I'm admitting that I don't have time for love if I'm going to accomplish all that I envision and that I'm still not ready to give myself to someone else 100% anyway. And admitting these things helps me deal with it all. Admitting that I don't have all the answers and that I'm in for a crazy ride helps me face it all each day. I flourish in the madness, I know this, and I have to consistently acknowledge that. I also have to keep my perspective in check given I'm still living in the shadows.
I'll take each day one moment at a time and enjoy it to the fullest. Because when the darkness appears - and it inevitably will - I'll need those moments to remind me how to get back to the light. Right now, I can make out the faintness of light in the distance but it's just a flicker. So days like Feb 8th (my daughter's 5th birthday) are the days that I look forward to. Plans that I make to collaborate with others on my business and theirs remind me of my gifts. Writing this blog helps to keep the darkness from completely occupying every ounce of me and begin to put the puzzle back together again. A change is gonna come and I just have to consciously make it happen. Yeah, that's it; I'd forgotten how to live consciously one second at a time. If I master that - quickly - I'll be able to beat the aggressive timetable I have in mind.