Mar 21, 2011

Regaining My Peace

I started my permanent job on the 8th of this month. Yay me and thank you God for this monumental blessing. It's a part-time role that gives me the flexibility I desire so that I can spend more time with my daughter, Dylan, and more time on building the Bed-Stuy Mommy brand and establishing ChuggyBear Entertainment as THE place for all things kids when planning parties, trips and any other kid-centric events. And most importantly, I have benefits so no more out of pocket expenses for prescriptions, physical therapy and doctor's visits. So now that I have everything I'd envisioned for myself, why so sad? Why the feelings of discontent? Well, I was still struggling with the status of the intimate relationships in my life. I was still trying to figure out how to have not only sex but love in my life. Long sigh....

I could not deny the fact that I desired intimacy. But more than that, I desired a partner to walk alongside me on this journey. Someone that I could rely on for friendship and support, someone that was a critical thinker like myself and looking for an equal. I desired someone to grow old and up with and someone to construct a life castle with. I had failed miserably at finding this person and was finally admitting that fact was my fault. I wasn't taking the search seriously and when a compatible mate did come along, not only did I not express my desires I also did not end the relationship when I realized they did not desire the same thing I did. I allowed my fear of loneliness to take over. It lead to nothing else but wasted time by me and feelings of frustration with the other person, which was not their fault. Especially since a couple of the relationships had started when I wasn't looking for anything serious.

After being in a 15 year relationship, I can say wholeheartedly that I hate dating. It's not meeting new people that I hate; I love meeting new people in general. What sucks is all the uncertainty with knowing what the other person's intentions are and consistency. I now tell those that I meet that I'm looking for something serious. What I've gotten so far by not making this known is inconsistency and half truths. The process has left me exhausted mentally and with thoughts of settling for less than I want. But as a good male friend said to me, until I make what I desire (and deserve, by the way) a priority and stop settling I'll never get what I want. I have to be hardcore and let the potential partner know what my boundaries are and STICK to them; no exceptions. Even the smallest transgression must be addressed. I had to keep us both honest. I always knew that relationships were work and it wasn't something I minded. I just never thought to apply those same skills to the search for a mate.

Now in the correct state of mind to begin looking for the right person for me, I also have to admit something else that was obvious. I'm an extremely busy person. My office hours were cut in half, however, I'd replaced that time immediately with activities for Dylan and for me. I'd also rededicated myself to both businesses now that Dylan's asthma was back under control and I'd started the new job. I would be back to late nights in front of the computer and weekends full of research, website building, and getting clients and sponsors. And, finally, I'd also promised myself to work on getting Dylan more time with her dad on a consistent basis. She was really struggling since if she didn't go to school, she didn't see him (he picks her up from school everyday). And because she was sick for most of the winter, the absence of their daily interaction was noticeable. I was determined to get back consistency on that front and to, hopefully, establish a habit of her dad taking the reigns in that regard. But until then, I'd have that responsibility as well and failure to execute just couldn't happen.

With all that said, I realistically do not have the time to look. So what is the answer? I refuse to deny who I am and what I desire but also acknowledge I could not spread myself any thinner. I'm happy to say that my friend Sarah helped me discover exactly what I needed. Having become a recent resident of Bed-Stuy from Hell's Kitchen, Sarah and I have been trying to hang out since December. But between Mother Nature and Fate, we haven't been able to. At the end of February, Sarah let me know about a yoga studio opening right near her condo hoping that I'd join so we could go to classes together. Sacred Brooklyn (http://sacredbrooklyn.com) is located on Clifton between Bedford & Franklin and opened on March 1st. They have Bikram yoga (both hot and warm), movement, dance and meditation classes.  They've just started offering their kids' classes where admission is reduced if the caregiver is taking a yoga class at the same time. I am partaking in their hot yoga special of 30 days for $30 and have been consistently going since March 3rd. It has single-handedly changed my life. I know it sounds corny to anyone that hasn't practiced yoga before, but it's true. Yoga has helped me find my center, get in touch with my core and focus my energy to each of my tasks appropriately. With each class, I see and feel both physical and mental benefits. From a more restful night's sleep to remembering how to brush off the bullshit, yoga has helped me regain my peace. It's the first time I truly have a guiltless obsession in my life! I can't thank Sarah enough for letting me in on yet another treasure in Bed-Stuy! Now for us to coordinate and see each other some time in the near future.

With my inner peace reclaimed and as engaged as my abdomen is with each of the poses in each class, with my mind settled around what I will accept with my intimate relationships, I am finally stepping down my chosen path with both feet firmly planted on the ground. And I'm ready to fly! Come, follow me.

One!

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