Feb 12, 2012

Finding Out How Good I Am

First, I must apologize for not posting the last two weeks. They were weeks full of worry over my health and then mourning the loss of a wonderful woman (rest in peace Aunt Hazel).  So as usual, I reflected on my situation, the events taking place and tried to work things out. It was hard, felt impossible to be honest, and consequently I failed miserably. I couldn't shake the feelings of dread, depression and fear that consumed me. I lacked confidence and, therefore, couldn't focus or devise a plan to pull myself out of the dumps.

On Saturday the 4th, I attended a beautiful service celebrating the life of Aunt Hazel.  Her life was one full of love, support, giving to others and living her dreams. I was reminded of how much of an inspiration and influence she was to me from an entrepreneurial standpoint. And I was also reminded of how fleeting life is, how important it is to live everyday to the fullest and how much people are inspired by you just being (and doing) you. I left there missing Aunt Hazel but also inspired to do more with my life. Later that night, I was able to finally constructively reflect on how I'd been feeling earlier that week, face all the feelings and came away from the exercise ready to do the work necessary to move on from it.

I was able to admit to myself that I was unhappy because I wasn't living my life. I was talking it, but not living it and I was frustrated by that fact. Here I was spending every free moment thinking and breathing everything bedstuymommy,ChuggyBear and Karmic but couldn't action shit. I could feel the possibilities, was being presented with opportunities to advance, promote or make money for one brand or another almost daily and felt like I was being denied a chance to experience them. But I paused when this thought entered my mind. Was I really doing all that I could to live and realize my dream? Or was I allowing fear to drive my actions? The more I thought about it, the more I agreed that the latter was true. There just was not enough time in the day or enough of me to go around for me to work a 9 to 5 and successfully launch a business.

What was funny about me finally "saying it out loud" was that I'd known this to be true for several weeks and was trying - unsuccessfully - to figure out a way to manage it all without changing a thing that I was doing. My feelings of doubt and frustration grew each day because although I was failing at doing the impossible, I was viewing it as my only alternative so took the failure personally and as a sign of weakness. So what to do? For a couple of years now I've been writing in this blog about walking along the path to success. I'd even given myself a nice pat on the back for finally being in a great place with my goals, walking a firm pace along my road and consistently moving forward. I think that's why when things were not working I got frustrated. There was no way that I wanted to or would slow down now. What I'd overlooked was that while on that path, there would be a time where I may need to change strategy to maintain pace and momentum. I'd overlooked the fact that as I got closer to the light, that as I started to reap rewards from the hard work I'd put in, I'd be faced with making hard decisions that would test the faith I had in myself. And that's what it boiled down to as I worked through the pros and cons of staying with the current strategy which was "responsible" and "safe" versus changing to one that most would call "crazy" and "risky".

Well, what do you think I'm going to do? I mean do you know me yet from all these posts? Like I said when I put the decision-making process into the perspective of whether or not I believed in myself, it was insanely easy to make the decision. There is no other choice for me really. I either live a life where I take accountability for my life and do what I know I was born to do or simply exist each day, wondering when I'm going to get my break. As I write those last few words, I laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. I know there are many people who think that way and wait for things to happen; shit, I have even done it myself. And I guess the argument could be made that there nothing wrong with living like that...until there's something wrong with living like that. And I know you understand what I mean. When you're spending more time looking for ways to get ahead in the race that doesn't allow for that and looking for who to blame for your plight and unhappiness than the time spent on devising an action plan and working toward your goals and dreams, then it's time to make a change. So I've already started laying down the foundation for my move to a full time life of an entrepreneur. It will take sacrifice, dedication and tons of hard work, but that's nothing new. I've been living that way for a while now, I'll just be doing it full time. Am I taking a risk, absolutely. Is success guaranteed, no. But freedom and happiness is and at the end of the day, I'll always choose that over a life where I'm hoping for someone else to make my dreams come true.

Yep, I vowed to live a life of independence where I made the decisions that affect my life and now that I'm faced with the opportunity to live my dream, I'm not about to punk out.  I am SO ready to make this change.  I'm preparing myself mentally and financially for the next steps and am looking forward to the adventure!  How about you? Are you ready for the adventure that life has in store for you?
If you answered that last one, "no", then I ask you, what the eff are you doing??!! One!

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