Sep 15, 2014

Getting Back to 'Ak Rite'

When I started this post this morning on the train, it started off on a very melancholy tone.  I was going to write about the fact that I'd just admitted to myself that I'm depressed and go on to explain the symptoms I'd been feeling, why I thought I was depressed and what brought me to the realization.  But I stopped midway through the piece and put it down.  It just didn't feel right.  I got into work and started to go through my to do list for the day which included continuing my search for a full time job.  It's while I was going through that process that it hit me:  I needed to be focused on the type of admin role that I really wanted.  I began to think about what that really meant.  I mean, what that really meant.  And I came up with a few things:

1.  I wanted to work for someone who was passionate about what they do.
2.  The person needed to be in a successful and healthy marriage with their job.
3.  The job needed to grow and expand to ensure there was no limit to my goal of becoming the right-hand person to the individual I supported.
4.  I needed a work environment that was fast-paced but also efficient.  I have the work philosophy of working smart, not hard, and needed the person I support to have that philosophy as well.
5.  I needed a role where I my love for media, fashion and current events was an asset that was embraced.
6.  A person who loved saying 'please', 'thank you', 'your welcome' and loved good manners would be ideal.
7.  And a role where I was constantly learning and growing personally would be a dream come true.

Essentially, I wanted to work for me, or better yet, the entrepreneur I'd become.  And they're out there and are looking.  But nowadays, roles such as the one I've described are filled by agencies and right now I don't have much faith in agencies.  Agencies are caught up on the fact that I'm coming back to work after having a baby.  They're caught up on the fact that my last job was as owner of my own business.  That the last time I worked in corporate America, was in March 2012.  That I don't have a degree.  I shake my head at all these ridiculous obstacles that they put in front of me.  I'm confident all I need to get the job I'm looking for is to get in front of one of these executives and have a conversation.  Because after that, things would be golden!

More on my job search will follow in later posts.  But to get back to my original thought, however, of my depression and my battle with it, I started to feel hopefully optimistic after realizing what the right admin role would do for me.  It put me at peace with what I was currently doing - working as a temp admin floater at an investment bank - and thankful for the opportunity it provided.  After all, I was able to still write and also explore opportunities at generating the income I desire.  It also brought me back to what I watched on TV last night.  Last night I watched Part 1 of the PBS mini-series, 'The Roosevelts', and was struck by many facts about Teddy Roosevelt's life of which I was unaware.  One of which was his battle with depression (and asthma - but that's a story for another post).  Two days after his oldest daughter, Alice was born, his wife and mother died within hours of each other.  I thought about how devastating that must have been for him to go from the ultimate high of feeling the joy of fatherhood to the ultimate low of grieving the loss of your mother and the love of your life.  Roosevelt told someone that if he hadn't kept himself so busy after the death of his wife and mother he would've gone insane.  He often referred to a quote from his father, "get action, stay sane" for motivation.

I thought about how I'd been since Dylan's asthma attack and hospitalization and realized that I'd kept myself busy immediately after it and for the next 8-10 months.  I was okay during that time - for the most part.  I didn't have time to be depressed.  And although I did suffer the symptoms, was able to make valuable contributions to my clients and begin the work of establishing a foundation for Dylan.  The problem with that method was that I became exhausted.  Being  Dylan's advocate and working through what was sometimes inane bureaucracy at the facilities she stayed in was a full time job all its own.  I'd also started dating the man soon to become my husband and then I got pregnant.  I guess anyone would be exhausted with all that!  So here I was, trying to battle the blues that seemed to becoming more frequent, wondering why I was so quick to be annoyed or angry so often lately, and becoming more annoyed each day with my insomnia.  Well, the solution was clear: get action, stay sane!

So I've reformatted my blog over the past few weeks.  I'm working on an event calendar for the first time in over a year.  I'm pushing myself to get things done today and not put them off for tomorrow.  And I'm literally passing out when my body tells me to and getting rest as much as I can.  It's not the me that I'm used to, but it's a semblance of me that I'll accept for the time being.  I'm working on an action plan to deal more proactively with my depression but until I find the right person to talk to, I'll be getting action and staying sane.  If it worked for Teddy, I think it should be good enough to work for me.


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