While I'm watching reruns of "ER" on POP, there's a scene where Dr. Boulet is talking to her ex-husband about their failed marraige. She admits that she misses him, which if you watched ER and remember her character, you know is a difficult thing for her to do. She grabs his hand and then pulls him to her for a hug and while I watched them embrace, it came to me: the worst part of relationships that end (or fail) is the comfort you feel from the person that knew you so well. The scene helped put all that I've been feeling about Dylan this Mother's Day into perspective.
The thing that I miss the most is not having her to talk to. She was only 6 years old when she got sick, but we used to have amazing conversations! She was always thinking, trying to figure out how things worked. Her mind, like mine, seemed to be constantly going. She brought light to every room she entered. No matter the subject, she spoke about it thoughtfully. And even at her tender age, she taught me something everyday. I genuinely admired the child Dylan used to be. I was really looking forward to watching her grow up. I miss that and I hold a melancholy within me that is directly tied to the fact that I will never know or be able to experience her growth beyond 6 years old.
Her mind and body will never be the same. I know deep inside that if I just let go of this feeling it will help me to move on, but I am just not ready to. Because to do that feels like I'm betraying her and forgetting about a significant part of her. So I struggle daily with being extremely humbled by how much she has accomplished for a child that suffered an anoxic brain injury 5 years ago and being angry that I am not experiencing the young woman she would become. So as I sit here listening to Bach on the anniversary of her accident, I cry inside and wonder what's next. How I will handle the next hurdle I face. All while I wonder if I do enough to honor her each day, which I never feel I do. I know there's no easy answer for this and that there's a good chance that I'll never really be at peace with what happened with Dylan. What I do know is that I love Dylan with all of my heart and I live each day to make sure that she has all that she needs to have the best quality of life available to her. For now, that's all I can do. It hurts like hell to say and live that truth but it's all I have. Yes, grief is a bitch.
This is the life I have with my first true love. And like most of the significant and important relationships, it's complicated.
Written: May 13, 2017